Why do we get jealous? Well, the simple and obvious answer is that we want what someone else has. We assume their lives are perfect or at least better because of something they have, or do, or are. Most of us know it’s a foolish waste of mental energy, but sometimes it’s just impossible to not feel it. However, there is a type of jealously that hits especially close to home, usually because the target of your jealousy has spent a good portion of their lives in your home. Sibling jealousy.
For kids, it’s pretty normal
When growing up, there are always some moments of jealousy between child siblings. Your brother got ice cream with Dad, and you didn’t go. Your sister got the prettier Easter dress. This is all pretty expected and normal, and I’d reckon to say harmless. As you grow older, it can be more serious and detrimental.
My personal story with sibling jealousy
I was never much of the jealous type in general. Again, we all have our bouts, but for the most part I could look at anyone and say “Okay, they have that. But I have this. Their situation is totally different. Maybe someone helped them.” And so on. However, with sibling jealously some of that justification goes away, or at least it seems to.
For me, I don’t recall being particularly jealous of my sister for any substantial reason when we were younger, aside from the normal little sister to big sister stuff – like getting to drive a car or pierce her ears first. It’s when we got into our 20’s that the sibling jealousy became substantial, and for probably the biggest reason anyone is ever jealous of anyone – money.
We were on a somewhat even playing field up until college. We both took honors classes in high school, she worked quite a bit harder than I did and ended up with slightly better grades. Same thing with college. She graduated and got a great job right out of school. I graduated into the Great Recession. Long story short, from then on she always had better pay (by far) even though we basically both just had similar business jobs, had incredible luck getting handed jobs from this one connection, was being able to buy two houses when I could barely afford rent. You get the idea.
Why is sibling jealousy so hard?
You lose that justification of assuming their situation was different
You grew up together. You have the same genes, the same parents. You went to the same school and had all the same opportunities. You can’t say they were handed a better deal, because you got the same deal (generally speaking).
Sibling jealousy is so in your face
There is no getting away from it. If you are close, you will obviously be confronted with whatever you are jealous of all the time. They are your sibling. You can’t toss them aside because you can’t deal with your envy. Every step of the way you will constantly be made aware of your situations and how they differ.
Other people will compare you too
Perhaps worst of all is the constant comparison from others. (And I feel like sisters are the worst combination for this, but that could be my own perspective). If you tell people about your new job, they will say “That’s great! And what is Susie doing now?” Oh, just making ten times what I am. Then there are your parents. “Susie has a great husband, why can’t you find anyone?” “I’m so proud of Susie, she bought her second house already.” Constantly hearing comparison from those closest to you can be downright heartbreaking at times.
What you can do about feelings of sibling jealousy
Realize your situations are different
Just because you grew up in the same house, and have the same parents, and went to the same school, and hell, even have the same genes, doesn’t mean that you are the same. You are two different people. Two different souls. You have had an infinite amount of different experiences and thoughts and emotions that made you the two different people you are today. Most siblings I meet are nothing like each other.
Understand that things can change really quick
The particular things you are jealous of could be completely different in a second. I could hit the lotto and be 100 times richer than my sister. You might meet the girl of your dreams tomorrow and have a wife way better than your brother’s. Not that we want to root for anyone’s demise, but your sibling may lose that dream job you’ve been so jealous of for years. Life happens fast, and your sibling jealousy may vanish in a moment.
Talk to them about it
Sometimes opening up and just admitting it makes you feel so much better. It gets it out of your head and releases the built up frustration. And often, you can get a new perspective on things that you didn’t realize. Your sibling might tell you something that they are actually jealous of about you (which admit it, feels good!). They might explain that whatever you have been jealous of isn’t nearly as great as you thought – “My job?? My job sucks! I’m planning to quit soon.” Either way, talking it out can be a great way to work through it.
Realize their success has nothing to do with your own
I think often when we experience sibling jealousy it comes from this mentality of shortage. Studying the Law of Attraction has made me really aware of how much I do this in my own life. I think with siblings, it feels stronger because they are close. We think statistically, what are the odds we are both rich? What are the odds we both have amazing spouses? This mentality drives us to think because our own sibling has something, it is keeping us from getting it. This simply isn’t true. There is nothing about your sibling’s luck or success that is changing your situation in any way. If you want something, it is still on you 100% to get it.
Cheer them on!
Deep down, we know sibling jealousy is the worst for a totally different reason. This is family. The people that would have your back no matter what. Yeah, I’m jealous of my sister being wealthy and able to afford a house and stack away cash, but I also know if things got bad for me she’d take me into her house in a second. She’d loan me money if I was in a pinch (and she has). If she didn’t have all this success, that wouldn’t be possible.
It feels better to be happy for others. You can both have it all! Support each other and celebrate all of your successes instead of feeling bitter. Putting your sibling jealousy aside is a first step in realizing your own peace and well-being.
Have you experienced any sibling jealousy? Did you overcome it? Share below in the comments!