This is a very personal, old bit of writing of mine that I found that I thought some people out there could relate to. I wrote this years ago when I was actually thinking of starting a blog exclusively about dealing with anxiety and depression. I ultimately decided I didn’t want to give it that much focus because I feared doing so would keep me from conquering it.
I’m happy to say I have come a long way since, and I’m not nearly as crippled by any of it anymore. I do, however, still struggle with a lot of these feelings from time to time. Sometimes it helped me to read about someone that felt what I felt so hopefully it can help some of you. Also, it gives some insight into my references to my anxiety in my current and future blog posts.
The writing was never finished and ended somewhat abruptly, but I want to leave it as what I was feeling then and not finish it now. Without Further Ado…
How it Started
“For a long time, I haven’t been happy. Sure, as a child I was more or less happy all the time, but even then I was riddled with anxiety and obsessive behaviors. I would routinely smell my hands. I had unreasonable fears of thunderstorms where I would hide in the basement at the first sound of thunder. When staying in hotel rooms I was always in fear of a tidal wave wiping us out. I had a phase where I was afraid to take showers, especially in multi story hotels where I feared that a fire would start and I wouldn’t be aware in time. I could go on and on with the ridiculous things I was afraid of.
As I Grew Older the OCD and Anxiety Continued
As time went on and I pushed into my teenage years, most of these fears subsided, as did most of the compulsions. Instead, new ones developed. At some point most of my OCD involved into fire related rituals. I started to become obsessed with checking the stove. I wouldn’t be able to leave a fan running for too long because I thought it would overheat. And in most of these cases I wasn’t given an option. My parents would tell me I’m nuts and they would leave fans running which would cause me substantial anxiety. I knew myself that my fears were unwarranted so I didn’t push much, so I more or less put up with these feelings and hid them. To this day I don’t think my family is actual aware of just how much anxiety some of these things cause me.
More of these compulsions developed. I became moderately obsessed with hand cleaning although that one is pretty mild. I check for my keys countless times before leaving the house. I started checking doors to see that they are locked. The stove and oven fears are worse than ever. I need to look at the lock or the stove up to ten times before going to bed, and then often will get out of bed, go downstairs, and check once more just to be certain. I need to say to myself “it is locked” then feel it in the locked position. I need to touch the burner to confirm it’s not on. I’ve recently started feeling that I didn’t turn the water off and it’s going to flood the house, so I need to double check that. It is aggravating to say the least; time consuming and stressful.
The Social Anxiety
Then there is the anxiety. I don’t recall particular points of my anxiety when I was young, but do recall always being a worrier. Social anxiety was one area I can recall for most of my life. I had always been shy and speaking in front of groups was terrifying for me. I would intentionally do my presentations half assed because I thought it was more embarrassing if I looked like I tried and inevitably did a terrible presentation. I would take a bad grade and come up short on time just to get it over with as soon as possible. I had courses in college that I dropped as soon as I found out a presentation was involved. And for the few classes that I had to do it to graduate, I would perform poorly as I did in earlier years, and have weeks even months of dread leading up to it.
I never was great at making friends. I always had this point of view that people didn’t really want me around and I was bothering them. Felt like people were nice to me out of pity. I would frequently turn down any social invitation. If I did go, I needed to know every detail ahead of time – who would be there, what would be around, basically would I want to flee and if I did, could I? I did bring myself to join the basketball team in middle school, but I never wanted to play because I didn’t like people watching me, and I definitely didn’t want to screw up and let the team down (even though the whole team was terrible).
Growing Into My Anxiety as an Adult
Now out of school and into the working world, my social anxiety continued to affect me. I didn’t bond with coworkers like most people did. I went to my first company Christmas party and had the closest I’ve experienced to a panic attack. I had been sitting with a group of people I was relatively friendly with, but they inevitably got up to walk around and socialize with others like normal people. I was left at the table alone and started to feel exceptionally uncomfortable, like everyone in the whole place was focusing on what a loser I was. I ran to the bathroom and then decided to bolt, and ran out of the place crying. The next year I skipped it entirely.
I would say I eventually overcame the worst of my social anxiety. I can go to unknown events with unknown people and be okay. However, I think I got to this point by relying on alcohol; I don’t need it now, but still feel better with it. I still struggle with feeling unwanted by people which makes building friendships difficult. It usually requires a demanding extrovert to take a liking to me, because I won’t make the effort for fear of coming off annoying. I would still be terrified if my boss told me I needed to do a presentation, and I’m not comfortable talking amongst a large group.
Improvement, but the Anxiety Continues
Although the social anxiety has lessened, I remain greatly anxious about just about everything else. I worry about a handful of things and they are on a constant loop in my head. I worry about money, how can I make more and will I have enough to retire someday. I worry about my job, or I should say I worry about if I will ever find one that doesn’t make me miserable.
I worry that I’m wasting my life. I get anxious about how quickly the days go by, worry that I’m not making the most of my time. Every birthday is a sense of dread more than happiness, and I’ve felt this way since being five years old. I’m constantly worrying about the end of my life approaching and feeling regret when my life comes to a close. I worry that everyone out there is having more fun than I am, and my life pales in comparison. I worry about not finding love, and getting too old to have children. I don’t even know if I want children, but consistently fear I will regret either choice I make (or don’t get the choice to make).
I worry about finding an apartment or home someday that I love, unable to envision now how I will ever afford it. I worry about my health, constantly inspecting and analyzing myself. I touch a lump in my neck over and over that doctors have said is nothing but a lymph node. I look at freckles and moles and fear that they are cancer. I think of how tired I feel and I’m convinced something is wrong internally. Meanwhile most doctors tell me it is likely simply my anxiety causing this fatigue. I believe it at times; this constant loop is absolutely exhausting. And I think about almost every one of these items every single day, over and over.
Aside from the long term thoughts, I get anxious about every little thing too. I have a vacation planned for Ireland and although I’m excited, I react more with dread when I think of it fast approaching. I keep stressing about if the plane ride will be safe, how much money it will cost, how we will get around, if we’ll see what I want to see. I’ve turned down a free trip at work to Germany because I was too afraid of terrorism. Projects at work stress me out as soon as they don’t go perfectly. I’m ridiculously early for everything because I’m so worried of being late and annoying people. I’ve had more than a few people tell me “You worry too much” and the ones that know me closer have more genuine concern. My sister often tells me how she couldn’t even come up with the catastrophes that pop into my mind in a minute.
Then there’s the Depression
Finally, there is the depression, that I would imagine stems largely from the anxiety. Thinking like this all day long is sure to bring anyone down. It’s hard to describe how it feels to people that haven’t experienced it. It isn’t really being sad, although sometimes it is. It is just a feeling that I most often describe as “blah”. Nothing matters, nothing is worth doing, life is pointless. Which conveniently enough is in direct conflict with the anxious part of my brain that says every little thing matters, everything needs to be done perfectly, and life has so much point and meaning and I’m missing it all. This battle in itself is exhausting.
My sister says she has ran out of sympathy because I make no attempt to fight my depression. In my eyes it’s about equivalent to saying I’ve made no attempt to decode the human genome. I have no idea what to do to break out of this, because I don’t really see any reason for it to be there in the first place. My life is not a bad one, never has been. I don’t have some deep seated issue that I need counseling for, aside from the anxiety and depression in itself. So I read about it. I buy self help books that confirm what I essentially already know. I couldn’t afford therapy, but feel it would be similar to these books. I suppose I am waiting on something major to pop into my life and rid me of this.”
Looking Back Now
As I look back on this writing now I’m glad to say I’ve come a long way. This was written probably about 6 years ago. I think a great deal of the improvement actually came from improving my diet. I also became more spiritual and started getting into the Law of Attraction which has improved my life in so many ways. As my blog grows I hope to include more content on these particular things that have improved my own condition so much, in attempt to help someone out there with their own anxiety and depression issues.